It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
