either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
