she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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