yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
