so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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