Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
