shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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