The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I deserve this hangover.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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