I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
