watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
