So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
These tits shall not be calmed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
