On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
