The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
