Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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