Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
