Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
