running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
