my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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