wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
