Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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