fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
