also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
