People in love make me want to vomit
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
