I could have mohawked her pubes.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
