just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
