i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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