he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How does it feel to date your dad?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
