Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
