Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
