4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
