you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
