just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
