So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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