And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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