She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
