8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
