That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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