I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
