I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
