does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Operation Purity has been aborted
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
