did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
