why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
