I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
