I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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