Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
