Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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