My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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