did you get engaged???
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
