I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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