Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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