Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
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Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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