She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
