Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
