I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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