So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
