I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
