Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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