i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
