I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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