so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
