I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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