I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
