This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
